As a child growing up in the fifties, my mom was always home. I remember when she scrubbed the kitchen floor. When it was all cleaned up she'd call, "Kay, take the scrub water out." I kinda liked doing that because it always gave me a chance to "test the waters!" As I pranced through the back yard, I'd repeatedly swing the bucket up over and around my head, always fascinated that I could keep the water in the bucket! That little dance caused me to ponder God for I knew instinctively that the law of gravity had something to do with Him.
My parents never took me to Sunday school or church but fortunately, growing up in a small town, I was able to walk there with my friends. We attended Sunday school, weekly youth meetings, services often, and Girl Scouts in our neighborhood church. Through all of my growing up years I had searched to know God, yet I had never heard that Jesus could live in my heart. To me He was someone "way over there" and I was just someone "way over here." Instinctively, I knew there had to be some way to connect. Mom always said that, "If you're good, you'll go to heaven." However, I was never satisfied with that instruction. While I wasn't really bad, neither was I always good. Later, I learned what God had to say about that. The Bible says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
After high school, I met and married Lawrence. We moved to the country and, though he worked Sundays, I continued to attend services at my church in Riverside, Pa. Later we had a son and when he turned three I decided that, since Lawrence's church was adjacent to our farm, I would take our son there. After a time, our second son was born and soon I was asked to teach the kindergarten class. Six years later a time of confusion in the church forced me to take the boys to a different church. All the while, I had still searched for Jesus and longed to know the way to heaven. The Bible says, "You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest." Jeremiah 29:13
As it turned out, the confusion was a blessing in disguise, for it was there in my adult Sunday school class that my teacher explained, gesturing with her hand, that Jesus could live in my heart. It was in that moment that it "clicked" and I knew instinctively that I had heard that for which I had searched all my life. The Bible says, "Yet all who receive Him (Christ)...He gave the right to become children of God." John 3:23
Bedtime prayers with our sons changed from "Now I lay me down to sleep...." to more personal prayers. It was at the tuckin' in time, that my younger son invited Jesus into his heart. Our older son, likewise, invited Jesus into his heart.
Now, having discovered truth, I had the assurance that when we die we will go to heaven to be with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who said, "Then you will know the Truth and the Truth will make you free." John 8:32
Yet, for many years, my husband had resisted this truth. Finally, two years before he was diagnosed with leukemia, he too, put his faith and trust in the Lord. After 20 months of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, my husband went home to be with the Lord.
We had peace knowing that he was with Jesus, but if I told you that things had become easier after his suffering had ended, I'd be lying. There were very many long and difficult days. In time our boys married and left home. Now I was truly alone. But Jesus' presence and promises filled me with hope and peace knowing that He had a plan for my life. "For I know my plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Thirty-Three years have come and gone since my husband's homegoing. Jesus has been faithful. He has protected me from danger, He has met my needs and has given me a sound mind through much grief. It is my prayer that you will experience a blessing through my personal experiences and that your bleeding heart might also be healed.